"THANK YOU FOR calling First International. We appreciate the time you have taken to make this call, and we hope that the service you are about to receive will be acceptable in every way. If this service is already unacceptable, press 1 now.

Thank you for not pressing 1. Your business is very important to us. In order to ensure quality customer service, your call may be randomly monitored. You may hear a series of clicking noises or what sounds like loud breathing. We apologize for any inconvenience these noises may cause you.

We apologize for the music you may hear during time spent transferring your call. We are using only songs in the public domain played by symphony orchestras fully trained in bland interpretations of semifamiliar songs. Parents, please be advised that the clarinet player is a former heroin abuser.

In order to better serve you, please listen to the following messages carefully. The options may have changed since the last time you heard this recording. If you want to --

Thank you for pressing 0. We at First International are aware that, by pushing 0, you hoped to bypass the phone tree and talk to a real person. In order to better serve you, we plugged that little loophole last March. Now you have to go all the way back to the beginning and hear everything all over again. Please press any number now.

In order to better serve you, we were just kidding about hearing everything again. You are just back at the top of the phone tree. We know you will behave yourself better this time and won't be pressing 0 0 0 as if it were the magic button to fairyland.

IF YOU HAVE a complaint about sales, service, equipment or employee attitudes, press 1 now. If you have a question about your bill, press 2 now. If you want to have $10 deducted from your checking account for no good reason, press 3 now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, stay on the line and an operator will assist you.

Thank you. Your call will be answered in the order received. Your call will be answered in two minutes. Thank you for your patience.

We're sorry. You lied. You do not have a rotary phone. You have once again tried to evade our phone tree. Please, for your safety, pay attention to your choices: If you have a complaint about anything except your bill, press 1. Clear enough for you, Gen X slacker scum?

THANK YOU. IF you have a question about a recent purchase, press 1. If you wish to speak to a technical support person, press 2. If you want information about where to buy any of the more than 106 First International products, including Pancake Software, Xonia Machine Parts, Gumball Games, Tuffy Spanners or EverWare Colanders, press 3. If you want to whine about what happened to you during your last phone call, press 4.

Thank you. In order to better serve you, our technical support people have been locked in tiny cages for 48 hours, fed only healthful lard-based sugar products and forced to wear tiny hats.

So you see the problem. For 20 minutes now you have been trying to talk to a real person, and in a moment a real person will answer the phone, and he will be your worst nightmare. He will ridicule your description of the problem. He will sigh heavily and ask you to check your plugs. He will blame you for the problem. When you threaten to report him, he will tell you he is quitting at the end of the day because of ``customer bozos.''

In order to better serve you, we at First International have provided you with a three-act postmodern drama of profound irony. We validate your alienation every day; we support your nameless dread. Our advice would be to hang up now."

We NEVER want the above to happen to our customers, therefore, we do not take phone calls. Viewed as a crazy concept by some but instead of you being put on hold we ask you to e-mail us. Everything is in writing and the person that is the most knowlegeable will reply to your question.
No being put on hold! Your business truly is important to us.

If you prefer, you can call us at 530-891-6191 (Monday through Fridays 8:30am - 7:30pm Central Standard Time)